Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
