im six kinds of drunk right now
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
NoShamevember. You game?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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