Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Randomize
