hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
