i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
