It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Couch. On fire.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
