wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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