dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
