You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Randomize
