You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
