Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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