Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
