I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
