I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
