I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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