I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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