I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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