First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
