There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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