I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
