I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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