well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
