I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
