i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
