the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
