there's paper in my vomit.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
