I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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