my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
