worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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