what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
