You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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