Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
