I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
