I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am one with the molecules
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
