people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
