hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
