the condom got lost in my hair
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
there is glitter all over my balls
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