he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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