i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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