Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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