naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
