He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
