yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
