Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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