his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
