the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
