Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
