RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
