This is not my ceiling
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
