I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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