Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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